Happy Halloween Bitches!

Sauerkraut Here!

Today is Halloween, the greatest day ever! You will never see me happier than I am on Halloween. Below are a few reasons why I love Halloween:

1. There are mass amounts of candy... everywhere! My personal favorite are candy corn pumpkins! I love these things and I eat them until I'm sick. Then, I eat some more because I know I will not have them until the next Halloween.

2. The weather is perfect! It's not so hot that you have to place paper towels under your tits to prevent the sweat stains for appearing on your shirt. But, it's not so cold that your leg hairs are growing back at a rapid pace.

3. As a small child I loved playing dress up. My favorite outfit was my slip. And although my mother wouldn't allow me to wear it out of the house, I could have! And no one would have said anything. Now that I'm well into my 20's I still have those same desires to walk out of the house dressed as a pea in a pod, but I can't. However, Halloween is the one day a year I can be whoever or whatever I want! This year I dressed up as Rosie the Riveter and Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. Not at the same time, two different nights. But! Here's an example of a great Halloween costume:

4. The after Halloween shopping! Every year on November 1st I spend I my day (Yes, I leave work) and I hit up all of the Halloween stores and buy a ton of stuff I don't need at 50% off! This year I'm hoping to find some jewelery and a few choice costumes:

5. For me Halloween is the last holiday of the year (I fucking hate Thanksgiving and Christmas!). So for me, it's my last chance to celebrate! After Halloween it's too cold to go out to the bars/clubs and the world is too full of "Be Merry and Bright" bullshit that I tend to hole up in my box (My apartment). Plus, it's so fun for me to see everyone's costume and wonder to myself "What made that person choose that particular costume?" Furthermore, I love watching people act like fools! I think they do this because a little part of them feels like they're not really embarrassing themselves, but rather the person they are dressed like. It's true! No one will remember that Bob barfed all over himself. What they'll remember is, The Caveman who barfed all over himself. It's great.

6. Halloween is all about death and ghosts! My number one fear is death, my number two fear, is ghosts. Although I'm terrified by both death and ghosts, I'm fascinated by them. I can't get enough ghost stories. Not fake ones, they must be real. And they must be told to me in the light of day, far from the location. It's a love hate sort of thing.

http://www.hauntedamericatours.com/toptenhaunted/toptenhauntedhouses/

http://www.prairieghosts.com/mosthaunted.html

7. It's just fun! It's fun to dress up. It's fun to pretend to be someone else for a day. It's fun to eat candy. It's fun to run around in the fall weather. It's fun to scare and be scared. It's just fun!

So, if you're a lame ass and you haven't done shit for Halloween. The day is not over, you still have a chance to participate. The best part... the real fun doesn't start until the sun goes down (Insert spooky laugh here)! Happy Halloween Bitches!

Posh's Top 5: or, Spicing Things Up

Sauerkraut, I am totally ready to wreak havoc on our hometown. I'm sure I will be in a foul mood as well, considering how my mother has YET to get a divorce. Perhaps I will inspire her, no? Okay, so, this blog feels a little drab...let's do a top 5 list of Posh's favorite time-wasters!

1) Postmormon.org. I was raised mormon, even went on a mission (gasp!) but have decided it's all a crock.



2) postsecret.com. I wish I had sent this in.



3) Ikea.com. Check out the "Malm" bedframe, in the espresso finish of course, to see my new bed. I'm moving out from el asshole and I's shared apartment, PS. Three more days!

4) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSIbfzK2spg. I cannot stop watching this video; Imogen Heap is a friggin' genius. Also, the clips of chinchillas taking dust baths are too cute.

5) Rocky Schenk's photography. http://www.rockyschenck.com/nupg2.html. Beautiful, haunting, black and whites.



And just as a footnote...craigslist "best of." That thing is a riot.

A Bloody Battle For Justice!

Sauerkraut Here!

I'd like to take a moment and bitch. For those of you who know me best, I don't share. I take that back. I share, but only some things, and with some people. You see there is no in between for me. It's either black, or it's white. I love you, or I hate you.

Example: If someone I love (Lets say Posh) asks me if she can borrow a towel, I say yes! Why? Because I love her. However, if Posh and I were eating at Chili's and she reached across and took a bite of my food I would probably try and stab her with my fork. Now if I hate you and you asked me to borrow a towel I would flash you a look so evil you'd think I was envisioning your murder in my head and the only thing I would lend you would be my body behind the wheel of a vehicle I planned to run you over with.


Why am I telling you this? Recently, my beloved grandmother shared the news that my cousins (John Popper and Paris Hilton) would be joining us for Christmas. To begin, I fucking hate Christmas! Second, I refuse to share my grandparents with this fuckheads! I know what you're thinking. "Why are you being so harsh? This is your family." I don't give a fuck! And here's why: John and Paris only contact my grandparents when the want something... Money. Other than that my grandparents never see or hear from these fuckheads. Now my grandparents defend them by saying "Well they live in Pumpkin, it's hard for them to make a trip to Tootsie Pop." Fuck that shit. I fucking live in Jolley Rancher and I manage to make a trip home to see them on a regular basis. Not only that I at least pick up the fucking phone and call them once a week, just to say "Hello!" Paris hasn't come to see my grandparents since 2000 and John Popper hasn't been to Tootsie Pop since 1996! The only time my grandparents see these fuckheads is when my grandparents go visit them! Then they stay stuffed in a hotel room until they take these fuckheads to dinner or the mall! Now, so you understand why I'm pissed? I refuse to share my grandparents with these fuckheads! I'm not going to let them steal my grandparents time, money, food, and most importantly my bed! When I go home, I do not stay at my mothers house, I stay at my grandparents house. That bedroom is known as my bedroom. It's always been my bedroom and it will always remain my bedroom. Although I hate fucking Christmas, my family knows I will be home for the holidays. So it is to be assumed that I will be staying at my grandparents house, because I always do. So, for my grandparents to tell these fuckheads they can stay at their house and sleep in my room, I will not allow it! Those fuck heads can get a fucking hotel! I'm so enraged that I have to share my family, my time, and my bedroom with these fuckheads. I don't want to see these fuckheads, I don't want to talk to them, I don't want to buy them a gift for a fucking holiday I don't support, I will not entertain them, and I will not pretend to be nice to them. I plan to destroy! I will get into a lot of arguments, I will receive a ton of slaps across the face for my smart ass comments, and maybe some dirty looks but I will win the battle! I will destroy!!!

*Posh - Prepare yourself! For I will be in the mood to raise hell in the land of Tootsie Pop and destroy all that get in my path! Prepare now! For we will battle for justice!

What the HELL!

So I need to make a formal appology, we suck at blogging. But I still have so many funny stories to tell, so here are a few. Today I snuck into the womens room to take a picture of what WAS the biggest dump ever, I like to refer to it as "The Unsinkable Shit." I have almost eaten 4lbs of raw cookie dough, looks like I have my weekend plans. I did a sweet presentation at work. Of course I talked to fast and said "um, ok, and ah" every other word, but I still felt good about it. I tried to sexually harass my professor today, I put out the vibe 2 feet away from him. I think that is all....I am posting a link, look at what some students from Utah State University created. Pretty damn fine work if you ask me. Oh and vote for it if you like it.

http://edcommunity.apple.com/insomnia_fall07/item.php?itemID=1272

Too Late to Apologize

Let me preface this entry with the fact that I am extremely intoxicated.

So, today's highlight includes the discovery that my live-in boyfriend is probably cheating on me. Even if he hasn't fucked her, I snooped in his IM's today (yeah, yeah, hate me if you will) to discover some very provacative discussions with another girl. Motherfucker.

I balled up in tears for about an hour, then called my friends, then talked to the landlord about moving out, and now I'm drunk enough that I just don't give a shit. Okay, I still give a shit, which is pretty sad. I think I'll go pass out now.

"Allow Me To Introduce Myslef, My Name Is..."

Hi my name is Sauerkraut!

I am an Irish, Scandinavian, Scorpio, with a Red/Type A Personality. Most people don't believe in all that astrological, color code, crap, but with me it tends to be very accurate. Below are some more detailed descriptions of my personality traits. I would highlight what is true, but 99% of it is dead on, so why bother. I got most of this information from Wikipedi.org. Enjoy!

Irish (Randomly borrowed from the Internet):

Irish are a European ethnic group who originated in Ireland, in north western Europe.

* Side note: Irish people tend to have very short and violent tempers. Why else would the University of Notre Dame be known as the "Fighting Irish?"

Scandinavian (Randomly borrowed from the Internet):

Scandinavian is a resident of or something relating to Scandinavia.

* Side note: Scandinavians are basically Viking's. (Viking's, also called Norseman or Northman, refer to a member of the Scandinavian seafaring traders, warriors and pirates who raided and colonized wide areas of Europe from the 8th to the 11th century) Viking's are known for their horned helmets, savage murders, uncleanliness, and skull cups (The use of human skulls as drinking vessels). How true all of this is, I don't know. But for the record, I'm a neat freak!

Scorpio Traits (Randomly borrowed from the Internet):

Scorpio is the eighth sign of the Zodiac and associated with intensity, fruitfulness, sexuality, passion, power, leadership, tenacity, and death. The individuals born under this sign are thought to be loyal, strong-willed, complex, capable of genius, thoughtful, supportive, protective, generous, intense, humble, quiet, brave, and emotional. Scorpios can also be jealous, stubborn, demanding, grudge-holders, obsessive (Especially with sex), secretive, possessive, angry, suspicious, hedonism, and unreliable. Also, Scorpios tend to be suicidal and for good reason. Scorpios usually can't stand surprises, lying/deceit, apathy, being analysed/questioned, being 'understood', excessive compliments, insincerity, embarrassment and passivity. The Scorpio ego can also be the most resilient in the zodiac. You can neither insult nor compliment them to ill or great effect, as Scorpios know their strengths and weaknesses. You may not be able to insult them, but you can easily break their heart once it has been given. They are often called the loners of the zodiac. In fact, they hate being alone, and this misinterpretation of their desire to protect themselves as aloofness is the most heartbreaking part of being a Scorpio.

Red Personality Traits (Randomly borrowed from the Internet):

A dominant Red score indicates life’s experiences must make sense to you. You are logical, practical and do not display emotions easily. Because of your desire for structure, you seek control of both your environment and people, and are sometimes seen by others as domineering. You are punctual and may become irritated if you think your time is being wasted. A natural leader, you are driven by the need for power and control. What stresses you is lack of organization and last minute changes.

Type A Personality Traits (Randomly borrowed from the Internet):

In some psychological theories, the Type A personality, also known as the Type A Behavior Pattern, is a set of characteristics that includes being impatient, excessively time-conscious, insecure about one's status, highly competitive, hostile and aggressive, and incapable of relaxation. Type A individuals are often highly achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about the smallest of delays. Although they may exhibit some or all of these characteristics, it does not mean that people with the type A personality are incapable of showing love, affection or other types non-pessimistic behavior.

After reading this, I'm feeling pretty bad. So I've included some of my personal likes and dislikes. Enjoy!

Things I Like:

- Chocolate drops and pineapples (Those who know me best, know what I'm talking about.)

- Food (Mexican, potato's, cupcakes, etc.)

- Photography

- Event Planning

- Dressing up like a skank (This is ironic because I've been called a "prude..." It's true.)

- Dogs

- Holidays (My Birthday, Halloween, and St. Patrick's Day!)

- Work (I define the term Work-A-Holic!)

- Music (I like all genres of music, but mostly I lean toward Rap, Hip Hop, and R and B.)

- Money

- Projects (Crafts, home improvement, creating new outfits, etc.)

- Laughing

- Dancing

- Hanging around people I love

- Cleaning

- Finishing my 'To do list"

- Trash magazines

- Swimming

Things I Dislike:

- Mormons (Not all Mormons. Just the ones who live their religion as a culture. I also dislike the ones who look down on those that are not LDS, just because they're not LDS.)

- Anyone who is racist, homophobic, or feels they are gender superior

- Spiders

- Ghosts

- The Dark

- The Woods

- Lakes, rivers, reservoirs, etc.

- Most fruit and pretty much all vegetables.

- Holidays (New Years, Thanksgiving, and mostly... Christmas!)

- Running

- Ass kissers, fakes, sluts, and whores

- Anyone who harms someone I love

- Failure

- Math

- Spelling

I think this is enough. I'm pretty sure you all have a good idea of who I am. That is all...

Sauerkraut

Adventures in Portland

I'm the third wheel to our lovely little threesome...yes, this blog consists of 1 gay guy and 2 straight girls (well, sometimes I veer). Buddythedog likes to refer to me as "basically nuts." Sauerkraut, bless her vinegary little heart, just rolls her eyes and refrains from saying "I told you so" when I fuck things up again.

Most Recent Fuck-up: Moving in with my boyfriend, who has morphed into Asshole Of The Century, but still owes me enough money that I'm stuck living w/him until December. Oops.

So, my current coping plan, in addition to student-loan-funded therapy and long venting sessions with buddythedog and sauerkraut (they didn't move to Portland with me, sadly) involves being out of the house as much as possible. School and work occupy my days, and for nights/weekends? Craigslist to the rescue! Before long I my inbox was buzzing, which gave me a heady burst of self-confidence and actually got me talking with strangers.

Most Recent New Acquaintances:
1) Twin Artist Girl. She looks like me, has the same coat, and we went out for sushi and bitched about men. Everyone needs a bitching friend (in my situation, I require three..or seven.)
2) Older Dude From Class: This guy, after I recognized him on facebook, proceeded to draw sketches of me and post them on my myspace page. Creepy, but flattering. He's engaged and socially awkward. I like him already.
3) Married Brit Who Holds Her Liquor: This girl invited me to happy hour at a very pretentious restaurant in the Pearl District. I hadn't eaten all day, and ordered a prickly pear margarita. It was delicious. So delicious that I sucked it down before the food came, and quickly got tipsy. "No worries," I thought. "My $22 entree of scallop cheviche will surely soak some of this up." Um, not hardly. It was a tuna can worth of fish salad and onions, along with a handful of tortilla chips. Then came my second margarita. So, I'm falling-off-my-chair drunk and trying to hide it from my new, poised acquaintance, who downed a lemon drop and a margarita with her sausage-sized "steak" and still mannered to wield a fork with precision. I gave up and used my fingers. After we walked around the area a bit, I did the drunken shuffle home. On the way, I helped a black man from Oakland find a hotel on the most notoriously gay street in town. Only the next morning, as I fought a hangover while biking a mountain trail, did I realize he was totally weirded out. Haha.
4) Older Man, aka Biking Buddy, aka Temptation: A friend told me I should meet this "cool guy" and go biking with him, so I e-mailed him, we set up a time, and I dragged my hungover self out to meet him at 10am on a Saturday. Quite an achievement. Who should answer the door but a very tall, rather attractive older man in biking shorts...and yes, I looked. >.< Perhaps it's just the contrast to Asshole Boyfriend, but this guy is the nicest, most fun, easy to talk to, and athletic guy I've met in a long, long time. Sweet Jesus, why is he 41? Why am I not single? To be continued...
5) My Mom As A Portlander Girl: Slightly awkward, religious, blond, thin, and totally my mother twenty years ago. We met for coffee and whined about how poor we are, then our convo got hijacked by a guy from Jersey (accent and all). We rescheduled.
6) Fellow Former Mormon: We commiserated over our mormon upbringings (and rebellions) over Thai food. I kept my drinking down to one peach Old-fashioned. Victory!

So there you have it. More alcohol, therapy, and verbosity to come.

Promoted?

Mama Sauerkraut: "God Sauerkraut! I'm just so depressed that you're so motivated."

My mother has a way with words, she always has. If you're wondering why my mother would say suck a thing here's why...

Yesterday, I sat in a meeting discussing the do's and don't's of working at this company. Basically, it was a meeting telling our employees to shape up. (I won't lie, I was in a bad mood... because I wasn't in charge. There was supposed to be food, there were cookies. It was supposed to discuss specific topics, they weren't even touched on. And where the fuck were the balloons?! Had I been in charge there would have been balloons, every important detail would have been touched on and in a humorous and timely manner, and most importantly... there would have been some fucking food! Cookies?! Cookies?! Jesus, I had to eat 3 of them just to keep my mouth full so I didn't bitch out the dumb asses in the room! Anyways, moving on the true bulk of my story...) At the end of the meeting one of the Big Kahuna's said to me "Sauerkraut, I need to speak with you in my office, immediately!" I said "Okay" but in my mind I'm thinking... "Son of ass! I knew I should have dressed more professional! (I was wearing one of my favorite outfits, hoodie sweatshirt, jeans, and classic Chuck teenie runners) Now I'm on the way out... I'm stealing that fucking plant before I go." So I head in there with my head lowered and a hunch in my back. The meeting begins:

Big Kahuna: "I have a problem, will you help me solve it."
Me: "Sure."
Big Kahuna: "Are you loyal to your department."
Me: "Every since I was a little girl this is what I've loved doing. And yes, I'm very loyal to my department. However, I think I'm the type of person who develops passion for whatever they do. In addition, I'm confident that I can do whatever I put my mind to and give it 110%.
Big Kahuna: "I'm glad you said that! I need to let someone go and I want you to take over their department... in addition to yours."
Me: "Okay, um, wow. Is this a permanent move?
Big Kahuna: "It should be temporary but we'll see."
Me: "When is this going to take place?"
Big Kahuna: "As soon as tomorrow. No longer than the end of the week."
Me: "Okay." (Thinking... "Holy fucking shit! Are you fucking shiting me?")
Big Kahuna: "I will get you more money."
Me: "Well, I'll be honest. I feel I deserve more money. I took this job for less than I felt was fair with the idea that I would prove myself to you.
Big Kahuna: 'That's why I need you to do this."
Me: "Okay."
Big Kahuna: "We'll be in talks."

And the meeting is over. So there I am, in my stupid hoodie and Chuck Taylor teenie runners, with double the responsibility. Most people would be excited, and I am. But I'm thinking:

- I get paid shit to do what I do.
- I spend my Friday nights working!
- I work 12 hour days.
- I work 8/9 hour days on the weekends.
- I'm here until 9/10/11 o'clock at night.
- At the end of the day my employees make more than I do and I barely make minimum wage.
- I never take lunch.
- I've used 1 vacation day.
- I haven't seen my family since July.
- I haven't seen my friends in forever.
- Pineapple (My man) is going to be pissed. He hates seeing my upset, stressed, grumpy, underpaid, etc.
- What if the new people hate me and they try and get me out of here? I don't want someone sitting in the Big Kahuna's office telling him how I suck!

On the other hand I'm thinking:

- More money.
- A better retirement for my mother.
- Laser hair removal. (I'm a hairy bitch!)
- A puppy.
- A house.
- I'm so honored that they would ask me to do this. I can't believe that after 5 months with the company they would ask me to step up and master control 2 departments. I must be doing something right.
- More opportunity to prove myself.
- More experience.

So my friends. I am soon to be the master in control for 2 departments. The first is a giant that basically supports the entire company and the other, I believe, has the potential to be that. Really there is no point to this story, I just needed to vent. The good news is, I'll save some money... because I won't have any time to spend the extra bucks I'll be making. That is all...

Sauerkraut

My Gay Friend

If you have ever spoken these words in this order…stop, stop now. I love that people are getting tolerant to homosexuality, I think it is a good thing, my question is are we getting too comfortable? I have a friend who introduces me as “My gay friend.” Immediatly two things happen. 1) she looks instantly trendy having her token gay friend 2)I have lost my identity.

Yes, I am gay. But there are other parts of me that I feel are way more important. Did you know I once put together an entertainment center using a butter knife, the Yellow Pages and a shoe? I’ll bet not. Did you know I love to sing and dance in the shower? Did you know I can change the oil, brakes, starter, and alternator on a VW? No. But these are all parts of who I am. Have you ever heard someone say “This is my mechanically inclined friend Jeff.” No because the ability to gap spark plugs does not make your friends look like she has evolved to the point that sexuality is no longer an issue. As a society have we come so far to accept homosexuality that we want gay people to surround us so we look open-minded, or hip? I will now publish the “owners manual” for straight girls who have a gay male friend.

1) No I wont go shopping with you

2) I don’t care how you look, and will lie to you like a straight man would

3) I don’t love musicals, don’t even ask me about them

4) I REALLY don’t want to see you naked, not even if you are just changing really quick (there is a reason I am gay)

5) Don’t say fag

6) You are not Grace, and I am not your Will

7) If I was straight we would still not date

8 ) I really don’t want everyone to know I am gay, so lets not yell things like “Do you think he’s hot?” “Is it hard to be gay in Utah” and so on. If we are going to get in a loud talking competition, lets take a trip to Pioneer Park, we can discuss the contents of your wallet.

9) I didn’t get a gaydar chip installed, so I don’t know

10) ”I have a gay friend you should meet.” Ok why? I am not sure if that just makes you a whore, but there is something called personalities, some don’t click. I hope you don’t have sex with every guy who is straight just because he exists. Next time you want to set me up, don’t.

I think that covers it. Questions, comments?